Life Update(s)

A lot going on at the moment

My weekly posting has been not-so-weekly with a few big reasons to blame – the Diamondbacks being in the playoffs and World Series, canceling any of my ambitions for October; and then there’s the thing keeping me in bed past 4:30am instead of getting up to write.

Let’s start there! For anyone I haven’t blurted it to yet, Leo is going to be a big brother. I’m 12 weeks pregnant, and I think (fingers crossed) I’m over the worst of the nausea and fatigue. I’m starting to feel more like myself, except just like with Leo, I have a strong aversion to…

wait for it…

Coffee.

My non-pregnant self’s favorite thing to consume. Now the smell of it signals instant cues to run to the bathroom. It’s sad.

The road to this pregnancy was quite different than the first time. I want to preface my story by first saying I know people can struggle for years to have children, and my heart goes out to them and their commitment. Every month of getting a negative test is its own heartbreak, and I’m so sorry to anyone still in the trenches of waiting for that positive.

To go back to 2020, I remember when the clock hit midnight to bring in that insane year that I had this all-consuming feeling that I was ready to try for a baby. Thankfully Kyle was on board. Three months later we found ourselves quarantined in our 600-square-foot apartment and decided it was go time. To our surprise, we got a positive test that first month.

I always thought I wanted at least two kids. My brother is five years older than I am, and while we were close as kids, it was quiet as we got older and he left for school, and I craved some chaos.

Well, I quickly found out that having one small child is an extreme amount of chaos. After the first year of never sleeping through the night, I couldn’t believe how many people actually have multiple children.

After a second year of mostly sleepless nights, I didn’t know how we’d ever be ready to willingly jump into more years of this.

The question of whether or not to try for a second child has consumed most of my waking thoughts in all of 2023, even though we had decided it was what we wanted and we were trying. Then, unlike with Leo, it just wasn’t happening. Each month I got a negative, I questioned the decision even more.

Could I handle two kids? Was I built for chasing two toddlers around and toting all the bags and car seats that come with them? I was already feeling pushed to the max with working full time, commuting, and navigating my two-year-old’s new opinions.

Then, Kyle and I went to North Carolina in September, where the true romantic nature of Nicholas Sparks stories ran its magic on us.

All year with trying to get pregnant, I had limited my coffee intake, I hardly drank alcohol, and I was obsessive about eating the right foods for fertility.

In North Carolina though, I said eff it and relaxed around all of my rules, even knowing I was ovulating. Of course, Baby was conceived when I stopped psyching myself out.

I didn’t know I was pregnant for another two weeks, and in that time I questioned our decision yet again (I know Baby, this sounds bad but keep reading!). It didn’t help that I had to face our first car-seat throw-up the day after we got back.

It hit me one day that this whole thing was just another of my confidence issues. I wasn’t confident in my ability to handle multiple children the way I see so many other people do it.

Well, that pissed me off because I hate feeling insecure. I’ve done a lot of work to overcome these thoughts, and I know I can figure things out. I know I’m a great mother. I know I can rise to the challenge, just like I did with Leo…even if it has kicked my butt.

Two weeks after North Carolina, convinced I wasn’t pregnant again, I told Kyle (over a large amount of coffee) that I was done obsessing about it. We’ll keep trying, sure, and if it’s meant to be it will happen.

Two HOURS later I got a positive pregnancy test and nearly fell on the floor in disbelief.

And there you go – no more questioning it! We’re in this!

While there were many moments along this ride to positive where I did feel all in and completely convinced that this is what I wanted, it’s hard to shake some of the guilt I had around questioning it. But I know that it was never about not wanting another baby; the fear was that I couldn’t handle it.

I know life is not going to get easier, and I know I will have my share of meltdowns. Most importantly, I know I’ve got a good village of support and I’ve learned how to lean on them. We’re going to be just fine.

Life Update #2: We moved…again!

For those keeping count, this is only our fourth move in the six years we’ve been in Arizona. But hey, we don’t know what we really want until we spend a couple years in a place complaining about certain things. Something I love about me and Kyle’s dynamic is that neither of us are willing to settle; we will make drastic life changes if something isn’t working.

The upcoming addition to the family also helped drive this move.

We’re renting out our Chandler townhouse and we decided to rent a bigger home just a mile away. The four-bedroom house is in a lovely neighborhood and sits right in middle of two of Leo’s favorite parks. We used to walk 15 minutes to these parks, crossing a busy road to get there and hoping Leo would last the whole time without asking us to go faster.

Now we have a five-minute quiet walk to each park, so we can go daily! This is what parents get excited about.

We’ve been here a couple weeks now, and I’m convinced this home is a miracle house. Why? Leo hasn’t woken up ONCE in middle of the night. Not once! And we’ve been here multiple weeks! The week before we moved I was frequently sleeping on the floor with him in his room at 3am because he was done with his crib. Here, he’s sleeping through the night AND through his alarm clock! It’s a miracle house!

I wish I could say the same for Yoshi.

The nine-year-old dog has been through so many moves with us over the years, but this one seems to be the one knocking her off her rocker (and it’s the shortest move?). The older she gets, the more terrified our anxious dog becomes of every person, every noise, every change. She shook uncontrollably the entire moving day, and I’ve heard her crying in middle of the night a handful of times, which she never does. Plus, she has been sneaking on me and Kyle’s bed during the day!

Nine-year-old Yoshi gives no f*cks, apparently.

All in all, we’re pysched about the house, and of course our new little babe, aaaaand there’s one more thing. Life Update #3 is that Kyle also started a new job at Caliber in middle of all this, because Barichello change needs to come in 3s!

I think you’re all caught up on the big things. Now that we’re settled in and I’m getting more energy back, you’ll see more regular posts from me. Promise 🙂

What’s coming up?

I’m feeling inspired by my job and awesome team to get more creative, to put time into planning things like holiday parties and traditions and Leo’s birthday party and other endeavors that I’ve honestly just taken the easy route on before. I have a strong desire to start baking and decorating cakes again! This has all just been in my head while we’ve been moving, so we’ll see what actually spills out. But I’m excited to share whether these things turn out as major successes or classic Mich-Struggle flops. Stay tuned!

TS Song of the Week – “Is It Over Now?”

This is my favorite vault song from the 1989 album re-recording, as it goes with my favorite Taylor song of all time, “Out of the Woods.” It has been on repeat for me since October 27. What’s your favorite vault track from 1989?